The man at the beginning of Labour’s party political broadcast is out of breath. To be honest, he looks lost. I don’t know his name but for ease I will call him ‘Appealing Gordon’. Good-looking Gordon is on his own, marching along a lonely road in the middle of nowhere. He needs some fellow hikers. Does Appealing Gordon have any signal on his mobile? Maybe his phone has been broken in an unfortunate accident?
So far there is no mention of any political party. If a viewer has just flicked onto the broadcast they would be forgiven for assuming that they were watching a British version of ‘Lost’ or a sequel to a Danny Boyle horror movie, which may or may not be titled ’13 Years Later’.
The voice in Appealing Gordon’s head starts speaking. “You know my father always said don’t give up. Show resolve he said. He was so right.” We then hear about how not so long ago our country faced potentially one of the worst ever economic crises. Now that sounds interesting. Can we hear more details about that please? Who was in charge and allowed this to happen? No information I’m afraid. Appealing Gordon has swiftly moved on, telling us how Gordon Brown went to the G20, clutching a folder full of recovery plans, and saved the day. Can we have more details of what these recovery plans are? No. Appealing Gordon does tell us though that these plans have been implemented around the world. It’s unfortunate that Absent Gordon couldn’t appear in the broadcast to tell us about those countries who have taken up his ideas. I suspect he was probably busy. As anyone who watched The New Adventures of Superman would know saving the world from disaster is a time-consuming business. Dean Cain never had any hobbies or friends. There is still no mention of who the Credit Crunch causing baddy is. Let’s just hope he is not around making decisions which could put this country back in the mud.
Appealing Gordon has now made it to a town. Hurrah. He begins to tell us how the Conservatives opposed all of Absent Gordon’s world saving plans. Appealing Gordon is actually spending a high proportion of his journey telling us how wrong the Conservatives have been.
He has now left the town. It is obviously not the place he is trying to get to. It’s a shame that Appealing Gordon didn’t stop to ask the way. You would have thought that local people would have known the best, quickest and most effective way to help him reach his destination.
Appealing Gordon then reaches a cross-road. He stops. He ponders the options. Does Gordon continue along the road he knows or does he divert onto what seems to be a more difficult path. If only he had asked some of those nice folk in the town, they might have told him which way to go. Appealing Gordon decides that this is not the time for a change, thus he should continue on the path he has been following. I hate to be critical of his decision-making, especially as the poor sod looks knackered, but I don’t follow his logic. While the steep road may seem more difficult it may actually help him to get to his destination quicker. I wonder what Absent Gordon would do?
Appealing Gordon is now marching along, telling us how the Conservatives would have made decisions on the economy which economists would have gahuffed at. No specific economists are mentioned so I assume all economists laugh in the face of Tory finance plans.
I am now worried. Appealing Gordon has told us that the recovery is fragile. But I thought Absent Gordon had saved us from disaster. Has he temporarily patched-up the wound? Apparently it is only Labour who have the experience to get British families and businesses back on their feet. I can’t wait for Appealing Gordon to tell me why British Society is on its knees and who is responsible for this knee-capping. Unfortunately he doesn’t.
Appealing Gordon carries on walking, off into the sunset, along what is possibly the longest and most directionless road in the country. I imagine he is still walking now. Please, if you have the chance to help Gordon out, send him to a place where he can rest. Or give him a sat-nav.
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